, ,

“Great is our Lord and of great power; His understanding is inexhaustible and boundless.” ~ Psalm 147:5

“Let endurance and steadfastness and patience have full play and do a thorough work, so that you may be perfectly and fully developed, lacking in nothing” ~ James 1:4

The other night, I set out on a walk to pray and talk to God about the past year.  Before I left, I had lofty aspirations of it being a time of dedication and reflection, a time to offer what I have to Him.

It turned out to be more of a time where I whined a little (okay, a lot) about how it is that I don’t know what to do now.

You see, I’ve been so focused on getting through this first year without my husband.  I kept thinking that surely, things have to get easier after the first year.  Right?  Well, as it turns out, getting through the first year means you then have to start the second one.  It felt like I crossed the finish line of a marathon, only to be told, “Congratulations!  Your reward for finishing is…to keep going!”

As I was praying, I kept telling God that I didn’t know what to do and I wasn’t sure what should happen next.  Now, I’m not sure what I was expecting, but I think it was something along the line of the clouds parting and God telling me what to do (Holy Grail, anyone?).  My first indication that this wasn’t going to happen should have been the perfectly clear blue sky.  The second was that I probably shouldn’t be taking theological direction from Monty Python.

As I was praying, I also told God that I know I’m supposed to ask for more of Him, but right now I would be happy to settle for a lot less.  A house, a husband, 2.5 kids and a dog sound great.  I just want to be normal.  Asking for more of God right now seems to be a surefire ticket for moving away from this goal, not toward it.  Thankfully, I think God just kind of smiles and nods when I get going like this.  He knows that while yes, I do want those things; I want what He wants for me even more, even on my whinier days.

At the end of the prayer, God didn’t send a cloud of angels to tell me what to do or drop a list of instructions in my lap.  In fact, the only thing He did was impress upon me that it’s okay that I don’t know what to do next.  In fact, it’s better than okay.  I can focus on the tasks at hand, fully and completely, and let Him worry about what it is my long-term plan should be.

And I realized in that moment, that sometimes not knowing what I have to do next is kind of nice.